Today I received a call from a parent who has a child who is potty trained. We all wait for this day. We all do the “Happy Potty” dance, if not physically, in our head and in our bank account.
Now for the reason of the call; the parent isn’t bragging, she is stuck, or she thinks her child is. She tells me that he holds it all day, sometimes all night too. Then when it means something, he goes, usually in his underwear. Huh? As we talked I learned that this little 3 year old could hold his poo for 2 days, outlast almost any kind of ‘plan’ that mom and dad had come up with. At only 3 years old! They tried bribing, (I totally believe in that one!), time out (hardly works for potty stuff) and ignoring (another good one). She said none of these worked and they felt they were really committed to each of their “plans” for at least a month or longer and that their daycare went along with it also. Everyone was working on this situation, even Grandma!
After listening, I told her first of all, there are 3 things you can’t MAKE a child do. You can’t make them eat. You can’t physically shove food down their mouth, because they will choke. You can’t make speak, remember when you waited for them to say Mommy? And you can’t make them potty. You can’t pull it out of them, especially at a specific time (like on the toilet). Then the one thing that really struck me in listening to her, is that she and her husband kept giving in, thinking their plan was just not working, making a new one and starting again. Her child has learned that he only has to hold out until they give up. Every time they change the plan, he wins. Now here is when parents don’t understand the ‘movement’ so to say. What did he win? Control. Of what you ask? Does not matter, it will come in handy later. Right now, he is controlling the fact that you have to come up with another plan to get him to potty on the toilet. You must beg him and bride him. You and daddy, the preschool, grandma, friends, everyone, will be involved again. It will all be very exciting for him to hear, the center of attention, the new plan! You will talk about it everywhere you go and of course he will be right there with you, beaming. He has power, control, he, is KING!!!
So, what can you do, finally, for the last time? You have 2 choices. You can ignore him and “it” and I mean IGNORE “it”. You show him how to clean himself up when he poo’s in his pants, you don’t help after that, he takes a bath every night (you help with that of course) to insure cleanliness and safety and that’s it. There might be certain things/places that he can’t do/go because he has poos in his underwears, you can let him know as a matter of a rule or law (as I tell my children), but NOT as a threat, punishment. You just say - when you are potty trained "we" can go here or there (like no big deal, its a normal thing in life). He will figure it out. When you say things in a threatening manner, or because you aren't potty trained you can't go there, haha, you are back at the “plan stage,” this is the "ignoring it" deal. You just say it like its nothing at all, almost like it would be if it was an age thing, not a potty thing.
Choice 2. There are certain times in your life with your child, that when you say things to them, whether right or wrong, when you say it, when you lay it out, put your foot down, make the rule, you have to WIN! Once it is out there, you must WIN AT ALL COST!! No matter what. And I do mean that, NO MATTER WHAT. Here it is, set your plan nice and easy. Use some of the above, you make a mess, you clean it up yourself. Have him sit on the potty, before and after meals, play time, nap time, car time, wash time etc. Write it all down for him, everyone. Then so he can see his progress and have something to look forward to (like you do when you get your paycheck, have a drink, ice cream...), get a fun chart or a clear container with little matchbox cars that he can fill up when he uses the potty and then win a different prize- movie night with daddy, new truck from the dollar store, nap on momma’s bed, popsicle after lunch, etc. Just write out your plan, agree to it with you partner and let everyone who is involved with your child on a daily basis understand that these are the rules and we all must stick to them like glue – NO MATTER WHAT!! A wonderful thing about children of this age is that they can't read and they will respect written paper for some reason, especially if everyone signs it and you call it the "law". It is the craziest thing. So use that. Point to it when you need to. Another thing, don’t speak about potty training in front of him, EVER.
Just Remember this is all a control issue at this time, not a potty issue. You are not going to damage him. Him holding it in however, is not a good thing.
By The Way – Did you know that "Potty" in the U.K. means irrational, silly, foolish, absurd, crazy?..... Well that just figures….
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